Oh it didn’t take long to lose the fear on ber back, breezy is her name, a big beautiful black horse. Oh how I love the smell of her on me and the scent of her saddle. It seems a bit of a rerun though. 18 years ago I had a big black horse given to me. Actually I had everything I had always wanted. A husband I loved and a son and baby girl. Little did I know I wasn’t in control of my life then, my ptsd and addiction controlled every part of me. 

Because of the trauma that occurred when I was 12 years old and continued in disgusting court cases for 2 years after, I wasn’t able to love and be grateful for my life. I thought I was just weird and crazy. I didn’t even understand that I was medicating myself with cocaine, I just did it because it gave me everything I lacked in feeling and I guess I chose to be a drug addict then to be a wife and mother.

I can say without a doubt I had no idea why I was using drugs or why I was who I was. Going to bars etc. I can barely say it and I’ll end here because it hurts too much to write it.

I met a Horse

Oh in my backyard is a beautiful black horse. She’s not entirely mine but I love her.

She’s gentle and kind. I lost a horse as beautiful as her in my addiction and smell her or sit on her I feel unworthy to feel such happiness. I thought I was over that.

….just one

8 years off drugs and my mind still can obsess on getting high

Unreal. I’ll just have one crack hoot, just one. Addiction doesn’t go away, it lingers and flares up like herpes. I don’t pick up drugs because I know I can’t have just one from experience. I also know that I relapsed for years because I bought into the thought that I could have just one

One to the next

So yes I’m clean and sober and my life is pillar opposite to what it was I’m still an addict. I shop and spend money like no one I’ve met. Lately it’s been worse then usual. I obsess and look online for stuff, usually kids clothes, and make up or high end purses most of the day. Always shopping 

Funeral

Went to a funeral yesterday. She was an older lady, I met her few years ago through work. When I met her she was the flailing weird lady that was too old to be a drug addict, imo.

Later I seen her and she was doing so much better, off the crap she said and taking care of herself.

Apparently there was fentanyl in the meth she injected. So sad. What was sadder was seeing her whole family still in addiction. Her grown children with their children and all in terrible addiction 

My dad

My dad wasn’t a good man, spent some time in jail as a result of how he treated me.

That was almost 30 years ago 

I’ve done a decade of counseling and have been in a place of forgiveness for years. I came to the decision to reach out to him in a letter, to state he was a good father for the first ten years as far as I remember and he’s getting old , I wanted to offer myself, his only relative , to be on his next of kin at the hospital in case he got sick. That I would take care of him.

He came to my work today, by accident and as he was getting in his car I called out to him and told him instead of writing him.

He told me he had it all covered, it’s all taken care of and went in his car.

Ouch

Too much to write

My mind is full of so many thoughts, I wish I could just put on paper and be rid of them forever.

I work in a place where we get a lot of using addicts. Yesterday I heard screaming and yelling so I ran from the back room out to where the commotion was. Poor girl looked about 15. 

She was screaming about how someone told her we’d help her but she broke her headphones and we didn’t have the items she said she needed. A tent, etc. track marks  all over her arms I later found out she was indeed 19. I helped calm her down and found her headphones. 

I kept telling her to stop yelling we are good people here to help but she’s scaring the staff . I kept trying to get her outside which eventually she did, I gave her a cigarette and told her to come back if she needed anything to eat or clean clothes. I witnessed a shift, her eyes welling up at the confusion as to why I was being so kind to her. I told her she was going to be ok and that I cared about her and hope to see her again 

Still struggling

Real life is hard, my hubby always says at least I’m here, not doing drugs. 

Not going back to 13

I cut my 13 post really short, it was too hard for me to reflect on the beginning of my drug use, I’ll get to it but not on my first day blogging lol.

I actually don’t know where to start or which memories to share first, there’s too many. So I’ll share my most recent flashback, because that’s all they are, I only remember little blurps of my life in addiction, I missing most of my life, my memory is shot, there’s 10 years I can’t account for.

Driving to work the other morning I was listening to the new John Mayer album and I remembered a certain guy, not his name though but he paid for my services, I was an escort at the time. I worked as an escort while my husband was at our home with our 2 little kids, in denial of who I was.

I was young,22 ish, had a pager for men to reach me, this guy I really liked, his wife had just left him so his condo was pretty much empty. He was 30 ish and handsome and called me when he was drunk, he paid me hourly for the whole night. I really enjoyed sleeping with him….

To be continued 

13?

I think I was 13 the first time I tried cocaine.
My stepsister got me a great babysitting job for a local coke dealer.
Might have been 14, I walked in and they all walked out. The baby was 1 or 2 and asleep I did the obvious little snoop of the house and found all sorts of stuff a teenage girl shouldn’t be finding…..