Oh it didn’t take long to lose the fear on ber back, breezy is her name, a big beautiful black horse. Oh how I love the smell of her on me and the scent of her saddle. It seems a bit of a rerun though. 18 years ago I had a big black horse given to me. Actually I had everything I had always wanted. A husband I loved and a son and baby girl. Little did I know I wasn’t in control of my life then, my ptsd and addiction controlled every part of me. 

Because of the trauma that occurred when I was 12 years old and continued in disgusting court cases for 2 years after, I wasn’t able to love and be grateful for my life. I thought I was just weird and crazy. I didn’t even understand that I was medicating myself with cocaine, I just did it because it gave me everything I lacked in feeling and I guess I chose to be a drug addict then to be a wife and mother.

I can say without a doubt I had no idea why I was using drugs or why I was who I was. Going to bars etc. I can barely say it and I’ll end here because it hurts too much to write it.